The Sword That Keeps Breaking
by TannerMM3
Summary: Parody of Aragorn, who keeps breaking Anduril, and the other gang members, all of whom have funny new personalities. I think it's really funny, but please review so I can know if it really is. PG out of caution.
1. And So It Begins

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. If I did, I would have made this part of a movie about them a long time ago instead of posting it as fanfiction.  
  
The Sword That Keeps Breaking: Chapter One  
  
*In Rivendell*  
  
Aragorn shuffled into the room, eyes avoiding the Eldar in front of him. His guardian, Elrond, was elven and sat before him.  
  
"Um, Mr. Elrond..............."  
  
"What?" Elrond replied, sensing Aragorn's nervousness (for one, the Man had never called him Mister in his life before)  
  
Aragorn pulled out a long sword, the blade Narsil, reforged as Anduril, Flame of the West. Elrond had reforged the Sword of Kings himself, and given it to Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Isildur's heir to the throne of Gondor. Elrond looked at the sword, however, and blanched. The top foot of the blade was dangling by a scrap of metal from the rest of the sword.  
  
"You broke it AGAIN!!!!" screamed the elf, sounding more like an orc captain than one of the Immortal Folk.  
  
"Well, you see..............." began Aragorn.  
  
"I SEE!!" screamed the elf, leaping to his feet. "I SEE IT!!!"  
  
"No, I mean..............."  
  
"I spend my valuable, important, priceless, treasured, unlimited, precious time reforging that sword for you...............the sword that you're great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-grandfather broke, and you go and break it again!!!"  
  
"Isildur didn't break it, Sauron did!"  
  
"Oh, and I suppose he broke it this time too. Last time I heard he was a bit preoccupied looking for the ring that you're great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-grandfather wouldn't destroy when I told him to. Your family is all the same!"  
  
"Um, Mr. Elrond?"  
  
"What now?!"  
  
"You missed a great in there. He wasn't my."  
  
"SILENCE, YOU IMMATURE MORTAL" Elrond screamed, again sounding like a commander in Sauron's evil armies.  
  
"Immature!" Aragorn shouted back, even though they were less than 2 feet apart. "Excuse me, but I am 87 years old!!"  
  
"Well, I AM OVER 2000 YEARS, SO YOU ARE JUST A LITTLE BABY TO ME!!"  
  
"YEAH, WELL GOO-GOO, GA-GA!"  
  
"I'LL GOO-GOO YOU, MR. KING OF GONDOR. JUST HOW DID YOU BREAK THAT SWORD, ANYWAY??"  
  
"Um."  
  
"You said um and it broke?" Elrond asked sarcastically.  
  
"Dropped it." said Aragorn, deflating rapidly and looking at his feet.  
  
"Dropped it, huh? You dropped a sword that I reforged.we're talking about my exceptional amazing incredible unbelievable sword-reforging skill here.and it just BROKE?"  
  
"Off a cliff" Aragorn added.  
  
"AH! Now we come to the root of the matter! Well OK, Mr. Sword- Dropper-Off-Cliffer, here's the deal. I will reforge the sword for you."  
  
"You would! Thank you so much, how can I ever."  
  
"But I will be forced to engrave little pink flowers all over it."  
  
"You wouldn't!" exclaimed Aragorn, face white.  
  
"Oh. Yes. I. Would." Elrond replied, shaking the broken sword. "AND little pink hearts."  
  
"No. No! You can't!" Aragorn said, eyes wide in fear.  
  
"Now excuse me," Elrond said, waving the Man aside. I have to spend some important, priceless, treasured, unlimited, precious time exercising my exceptional amazing incredible unbelievable sword-reforging skill. He exited the room, while Aragorn sat in humiliation, mouthing soundlessly and occasionally whimpering. 


	2. Songs in Moria

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters as obviously I'm not JRR T!  
  
To the Reviewers:  
  
Mee: Good point! I was too tired to check when I uploaded the first chapter last night. Will fix soon.  
  
Kitsune-chan 8: Yes, that is where I got the idea!  
  
Krystyn: Thx! I hope I can post a new chapter every morning! Your Friend Tanner  
  
LilyClairePotter: More on the way, my faithful beta-reader and sister.  
  
Now, back to the show!  
  
*Chapter 2: Several Days Later, In Moria*  
  
"Aragorn, you keep the first watch!" Gandalf ordered.  
  
"OK, who should I wake up when mine is over?"  
  
"Well, none of us!" said Gandalf as though this were obvious.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Well, we all need a good night's sleep!"  
  
"But who has the second watch?"  
  
"Boromir does, but that's not till tomorrow night! And keep your sword out, there's no telling when you could get into trouble!" said Gandalf, laying down and pulling his sleeping sack over his body.  
  
"But I need to sleep too!" shouted Aragorn. Gandalf, however, did not hear him.  
  
ZZZZZZZZZ..  
  
Cautiously, Aragorn crept around. He peered at each of the Hobbits, the Elf, Dwarf, Man, and Wizard intently, checking to make sure they were REALLY asleep.  
  
"It's ok, Aragorn," he told himself, returning to the fire. "They can't see!"  
  
He grabbed his sword and drew it forth from his sheath for the first time since Elrond reforged it. To his horror, it began to sing!  
  
I love you You love me We're a happy family.  
  
Shing! Aragorn shoved the blade back into its sheath and fell over in desperation. He immediately jumped up, swatting frantically at the flames from the fire now kindling on his arm. It burned his shirt black before he could put it out.  
  
"Aww man! That was my favorite shirt, too. Oh well, time for the watch anyway..."  
  
After an hour or so, Aragorn caught himself falling asleep. "Ack!" he said in frustration. He grabbed his pack from the ground and rummaged around in it.  
  
"Coffee! Where did I put that coffee! I know I had it in here!"  
  
THWACK! An arrow cut through the air and buried itself in Aragorn's pack. Coffee beans began spilling out of the hole. There it is! he thought momentarily. Wait a minute...orcs!  
  
Aragorn spun around, flashing Anduril out of its sheath. With orcs nearby, the blade flamed bright.pink?! The flowers began to glow, and the blade struck up a new song:  
  
Mary had a little lamb Whose fleece was white as snow  
  
The orcs nearest Aragorn began laughing and pointing fingers at him.  
  
And everywhere that Mary went.  
  
Aragorn shoved the sword back into its sheath and fell to his knees in embarrassment. The orcs were laughing so hard they were clutching their chests. Suddenly, out of suffocation they keeled over.  
  
"The lamb was sure to go!" shouted Pippin as he jumped from his makeshift bed. "I love that.ORCS!" the little hobbit screamed, and the others were up in a flash.  
  
"Good one, Aragorn!" Boromir said. "I think you might have frightened them to death."  
  
"Um, no, not really" said Gandalf, bending over the orcs. "Bless my beard, but they appear to have died of laughter! What in Moria did you say to them???"  
  
"Um.I said.stand and, um, fight." Aragorn covered, looking at his feet again.  
  
"Well, as long as that's settled, I think I'm going back to bed" the wizard said, and without further ado the rest of the fellowship climbed back under their covers, leaving Aragorn standing looking at the orcs, breathing heavily. This can't be happening to me! 


	3. Antics in the Golden Hall

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, only their silly new personalities.  
  
To the reviewers:  
  
Krystyn: Maybe it will..keep looking for new chaps to find out!  
  
Nickole: Thx for review! I'm glad you like it! This chapter is better though.  
  
That's the fun thing about writing a short-chap parody like this one: more than one update in a day!  
  
This chapter is dedicated to my friend Krystyn (KrystynAngelOfLight). I hope you like it!  
  
*Chapter 3: In The Golden Hall*  
  
"I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhelm, by order of.Grima Wormtongue" the guard informed the four travelers.  
  
"Ah" said Gandalf, removing his sword and handing it over to the guards, gesturing for the others to do the same. Gimli and Legolas both surrendered their arms as well.  
  
Aragorn, with deep regret, unhooked his sword and carefully handed it to the guard. "You do NOT open that." he commanded.  
  
"But sire," the guard said, looking at the sheath in awe. "Surely this is Narsil, the blade that was broken. Reforged by Elrond of Rivendell it was. Please, sire, may I just have a peek. Just a tiny lit.."  
  
"NO!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
"Just a little, teensy-weensy one? Please???" the guard asked, puckering his lips.  
  
"YOU DO AND I WILL PERSONALLY BEHEAD YOU WITH IT!"  
  
"Actually, I really don't need to see it. No, I'm fine, sorry, just daydreaming.."  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf had talked the other guard into keeping his staff. He winked at Aragorn as he turned from screaming. Aragorn puzzled over this as he entered the Golden Hall. What did he mean by that? Surely he didn't mean to say that guy will look?? No, he can't have, but still.so coincidently he winked.there will be SERIOUS PUNISHMENT if he does. That's it, I can't stand it anymore, I have to go check on him.  
  
As fighting broke out in the hall, Aragorn slipped though a doorway. Halfway down the stairs, he collided with a girl. She had long blond hair and was running towards the commotion above. She looked at him fleetingly before running up the rest of the stairs.  
  
He slammed into the door and charged into a soldiers bunk. There he found two soldiers with Anduril in their hands, laughing their heads off. Aragorn charged into the two, grabbing their helmets and slamming theme together. Too busy laughing to react in time, the two men fell unconscious. Without a word, Aragorn slid Anduril back into its sheath and ran back upstairs.  
  
"Gandalf!"  
  
He burst into the King's Hall. Gandalf was watching Theoden the King of Rohan draw his sword. "You're right Gandalf," Theoden said. "My fingers do feel stronger." He put down the sword and approached one of his guards not hurt during the fight.  
  
"Sit down!" he told the guard, taking his own place at a table. "I have to see something. Arm wrestle me, now!"  
  
"Come on, Gandalf," Aragorn dragged the Wizard away as he tried to bet the next guard shift with Gimli that Theoden would be defeated. He pulled Gandalf all the way downstairs and into the room with the now-unconscious men.  
  
"Well?" said Gandalf, frowning. He looked at the men, then turned in shock to Aragorn. "They died of laughter too!"  
  
"No, they're alive. Now wipe their memories."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Wipe their memories! Get a..a..wizarding soap or something! Rub it on their head and erase their memory."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because?"  
  
"Yes, because!"  
  
"Because what?"  
  
"Because!"  
  
"Yes, but because of what?"  
  
"Stop questioning the wanna-be King of Gondor and just wipe their memories!"  
  
Gandalf drew from his pocket a white handkerchief. "Bilbo gave this to me," he said. "Never asked if he used it or not."  
  
The wizard whispered several words to the handkerchief and rubbed it over the guards foreheads. They woke up almost immediately, and resumed laughing?  
  
"Darn! It didn't work!" shouted Aragorn.  
  
"What's so funny?" Gandalf asked them.  
  
A loud humming covered the men's responses as Aragorn stuffed his fingers in his ears and began a tune with all his might. Over the din, however, the men's reply could be made out.  
  
"I don't really remember."  
  
Aragorn stopped humming abruptly. "You don't remember?"  
  
"No! Something was hilarious, so I was laughing, then all of a sudden I got knocked out and when I came to....nothing!"  
  
"That's a relief!" shouted Aragorn  
  
"What is?" Gandalf and the two men asked.  
  
"Um..um..nothing! I meant, that, it's a relief you woke up! Um, let's go join the others!"  
  
*They return to the Golden Hall, where a celebration is underway in honor of King Theoden's recovery*  
  
"So Pip," Merry was saying. "What did you mean back in Moria, when you said you liked the song 'Mary had a little lamb.'"  
  
"Oh, I've always liked it. Reminds me of you."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Well, the name, for one. I mean, Mary..Merry...very similar, don't you think!"  
  
"What!" said Merry incredulously.  
  
"And two, the lamb. I mean, I always follow you around, so I'm somewhat like the lamb! They sort of agree, don't they?"  
  
"I can't believe you!" shouted Merry.  
  
"Now calm down, there's no need to get upset!"  
  
"Oh, I'm not upset...I'm BEYOND upset! I am not a girl!"  
  
"Well, no, you're not! I was just saying that you remind me of her!"  
  
"Ok, that's it!" Merry lunged for Pippin across the table.  
  
"Play nice, you two!" said Aragorn, sitting down to join them. "You're acting like wolves! I thought Hobbits were supposed to be more like shepards and lambs....What the!"  
  
Merry dove for Aragorn, knocking him to the floor. Aragorn quickly got up, angry for the attack. Reflexively (although he didn't want to hurt Merry) he reached for Anduril. As his hand touched the blade, song filled the hall.  
  
Why not Take a crazy chance Why not..  
  
Aragorn let go of the sword as if he were burned by it.  
  
"What did you say?" asked Merry, still prone.  
  
"N..nothing," said Aragorn quickly.  
  
"I thought I heard you say something" said Theoden from his table.  
  
"I said..er.."  
  
"I heard you!" said Pippin. "You said 'take a crazy chance'!"  
  
"Um, no, I mean..yes, I did! Take a chance and..um..ride for Helm's Deep, yeah!"  
  
"We will, Aragorn. We shall ride for Helm's Deep!" said Theoden, rising and addressing those present. "We shall ride soon. We must wait, however."  
  
"Why wait, o King?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Because! I need time to pack!" Theoden said. 


	4. Blackmail

Disclaimer: I hope you figured it out by now...but I'll say it again! I don't own any of these characters. I don't even own their names!  
  
To the reviewers:  
  
KrystynAngelOfLight: I can picture it now! Orcs telling each other of Aragorns sword and dying in a great wave! Will think about it!  
  
SilverKnight7: Glad you like it! I am updating as I write this.duh!  
  
Dorysblue: Thx!  
  
Ainu Laire: I just felt like humiliating the poor guy! Honestly, though, he's my fav character.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to LilyClairePotter, my sister and beta-reader.  
  
*Chapter 4: Still in Rohan's Capitol*  
  
Eowyn had puzzled all day over who this hot "Aragorn" guy could be. She heard him talk at the celebration and this only intensified her interest. He wanted to fight.to reach the fortress of Helm's Deep and make a stand there. She loved guys like that.  
  
And then she overheard something amazing: One of the guards telling another that this "Aragorn" was really Aragorn II, son of Arathorn II, Isildur's heir to the Throne of Gondor. He also carried the reforged blade Anduril, which used to be Narsil, the Sword of the King.  
  
"He's a prince" thought Eowyn dreamily, "and he has a very famous sword!"  
  
The only thing was, this guard had mentioned that the Lord Aragorn would allow no other to look upon his blade, nor even to touch it. This puzzled Eowyn. What could be the big secret about this sword? Why would the man not allow any other to see it?  
  
"I've always been too curious for my own good," thought Eowyn as she snuck from her room that evening, pulling a nightshirt onto her head. She knew Aragorn was in a tactical meeting until much later, so she crept down to his chamber. Fitting a secret key she had into the lock, she softly opened the door.  
  
"Oh my gosh! There it is!" she thought. The sheath of Anduril lay on the floor inside the vacant room.  
  
Gingerly she picked up the blade. I can't believe this! She ran her fingers over the soft leather sheath in awe. Soon her curiosity rose again, and she grasped the hilt of the blade, pulling it out in a wide arc.  
  
You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy When skies are grey You'll never know, dear,  
  
How much I love you.  
  
Please don't take my sunshine away  
  
Eowyn nearly choked she was laughing so hard! "So cute!" she managed to squeak out, looking at the flowers and hearts lining the blade.  
  
The other night, dear,  
  
As I lay sleeping  
  
I dreamed I held you in my arms.  
  
When I awoke, dear,  
  
I was mistaken  
  
And I hung my head and cried.  
  
Nearly in tears, she fell to her knees, still holding the sword.  
  
You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy When skies are grey You'll never know, dear,  
  
How much I love you.  
  
Please don't..  
  
The sword's last words were drowned out by Aragorn bursting into the room.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he said, advancing on her.  
  
"N...nothing.." Eowyn said fearfully. Oh no, what will I do?  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOTHING? YOU CALL LOOKING AT MY STUFF NOTHING?  
  
I'll always love you  
  
And make you happy  
  
If you will only say the same  
  
But if you leave me  
  
To love another  
  
You'll regret it all some day;  
  
"PUT..IT..AWAY!" shouted Aragorn with difficulty.  
  
"Wha..whatever you say.." Eowyn slid the sword back in its sheath, and the singing abruptly stopped. As she cowered on the floor, a plan began to form in her mind.  
  
Aragorn spoke with great difficulty: "you...will...tell..no-one..what you saw...understand?"  
  
"That's not for you to tell me!"  
  
"What?" said Aragorn incredulously.  
  
"If you don't want me to tell anyone, then YOU will have to do as I say!"  
  
Aragorn was stricken dumb. He just stood there with a clueless look on his face, staring at the blond in front of him. Eowyn thought "score!"  
  
"If you don't want anyone to find out that the Sword of Kings is really the Sword of Flowers you will do as I say!"  
  
"No way!" shouted Aragorn.  
  
"Hey, Eomer, come here!" Eowyn called, evil grin spreading on her face.  
  
"No! wait! I'll listen!" said Aragorn desperately.  
  
"Good kingy! And the first command of Lady Eowyn is...kiss me!" 


	5. A Thief In The Golden Hall

Disclaimer: I've said it before, I'll say it again! I make no claim to any of these characters, there likenesses, their names, their resemblances, their homes, their cars, their lives, their original personalities, their friends, their friends' friends, etc. I swear, I've never owned a copyright in my life!!

  


To the sole reviewer:

  


SilverNight7: Glad you like it enough to want more as fast as possible. Actually, writing stories isn't hard for me. Keeping the humor from becoming corny istthe hard part.

  


This chapter is dedicated to my friend Chase.

  


*Chapter 5: A Thief in the Golden Hall*

  


Aragorn was living in a nightmare! Eowyn was turning him into her own personal slave. Never mind the kisses she wanted every few hours...she was making him practice swordfighting (Aragorn was thankful they practiced where no-one could see Anduril) and TEACHING HIM TO KNIT!! Then, about two days into her blackmailing campaign....

  


"Ok, little king, time to kiss me again...." Eowyn said happily.

  


"Not _again!_" Aragorn moaned. Eowyn's face became stern.

  


"You want me to tell someone?"  
  


"I mean, sorry, I said, _yes _again!"

  


"That's better..."

  


Eowyn pulled him in closer, but a bugle call cut through the air. They both looked at each other and ran in the direction of the sound. They followed the repeated calls to the Golden Hall, where almost everyone seemed to be assembled. Theoden called from his throne seat for their attention.

  


"Friends, we have a theif in our midst! He has robbed me of my crown! Now, he may or may not be here, but wherever he is, _we must find him!_"

  


"My lord, forget the crown!" said Aragorn. "It's not important. What is important is taking the people to Helms Deep. Each day you delay means one more day for the orcs to gather!"

  


Theoden stood up from his throne and walked over to stand in front of Aragorn.

  


"_I...am...not...leaving...without...that...crown......so...there!_" he said, emphasizing every word and raising his voice on "there."

  


Search parties were formed. The king's guards would handle the throne room and the rest of the building. Aragorn, along with Gimli and Legolas, would search the town. Aragorn called a young boy to him

  


"Tell Legolas take half the men and search the lower city. Gimli and I will take the upper half."

  


The boy nodded and ran off to find the elf. Gimli followed Aragorn, and with them went a number of men, to the upper city. After an hour of searching with no luck, Gimli and Aragorn looked around.

  


"These men all look the same to me!" said Gimli. "I can't tell the ones we've searched from the others!"

  


"I know!" said Aragorn. "We need the elf eyes of Legolas."

  


"Aye" said Gimli. "I shall run and fetch him."

  


Aragorn searched more homes while Gimli ran down to the lower city. After a few minutes he returned.

  


"He doesn't appear to be there" the dwarf said. "Nobody has seen him. Perhaps he didn't hear the call!"

  


"That could be. Let's find him, he should be easier to locate than a crown."

  


The pair ran back up to the Golden Hall, where they commenced their search for the elf. They had just about given up when Aragorn heard someone talking in a bathroom...in _elvish?_

  


The man and dwarf crept in. Legolas was standing in front of the full mirror, a shining suit of armor hung on his body, and the crown of King Theoden sat atop his head.

  


"_Lirima_, mellonamin, _lirima_!" said Legolas, adopting different poses in front of the mirror. (Lovely, my friend, lovely!)

  


"Lle naa i'cam'wethrin!" (You are the thief!)

  


Legolas jumped and spun around, the crown falling from his head and then dashed out of the door before Aragorn could grab him!

  


"Stop that elf!" shouted Gimli.

  


"Putta tanya edhel!" Aragorn screamed.


End file.
